Music's In My Soul...

Most people would be surprised to find out that I was an agriculture kid in high school. All my friends were in FFA (Future Farmers of America), showed livestock at the county & state fairs, lived on honest-to-goodness farms...I did none of those things, but somehow this became my life for the 4 years I was in high school. I spent way too much time in the Ag. building, learning about plants & meat production, getting kicked out of the shop (don't ask me to build you a bird house, or weld some metal together...it could be VERY dangerous), oh...and who could forget the semester my senior year I spent on sexual reproduction...good times...note the sarcasm here....

So...what was a city kid like me, who didn't know the first thing about farm life, doing with all the redneck farm kids & hicks? (and yes...i can call them that because I'm one too, but if someone else ever called me one...well...let's just say it's not pretty)

The answer probably goes all the way back to the 6th grade, if not further, and that's a long time for this college sophomore...

I've always had a love of music. I'm not really sure where it comes from. No one in my family is musical...no singers or musicians...all I know is that I've always been drawn to music in ways that are different than others. Most people hear a song and that's it. They might know the lyrics, and who the artists/band is, but music has always touched me on a different level. I hear a song & really listen to the lyrics. What is the artist trying to say? How does this relate to me & what I'm going through.

In the 6th grade, there weren't many artists out there that were singing about things I was going through or even understood. There were a few, like Avril Lavigne & Simple Plan who seemed to get how horrid I thought my life was & that, even though it was bad now...there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I might not find it the next day, but it was there. Britney, BSB, NSYNC...they were all good, but I always felt like they're songs were about things I would never understand...

Anyway...

It was the end of the 5th grade, we were winding down the school year, getting ready for summer vacation. One of the afternoons before we were out, the teachers lined us all up (i went to a really small middle school, so "all of us" was probably about 60 kids) and we walked across campus to the band room. Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but it kinda was. See, you could start band in the 6th grade at my middle school. The teachers were taking us over to the band room so we could hear the middle school band play & then have the band director talk to us about joining. I seriously thought about joining band...it looked like a lot of fun, but in 5th grade I only wanted one thing...popularity...

Back then I would have given ANYTHING to be friends with the popular kids, and I guess in a way I was...I mean, I was invited to their birthday parties, halloween parties, homecoming parties...but I was still an outsider...I wasn't part of the inner circle and I wanted nothing more than to be part of that. One thing...or should I say...one person...kept me from that...

Amber was my middle school's "queen bee". If Amber said something was uncool...her word was law that all of us lived by, whether we knew it or not. I'm not sure what I ever did to make her hate me so much, but we NEVER got along. There was always something wrong with me or I was somehow getting on her nerves. What I never understood was how all of her friends wanted to be friends with me, but they couldn't because of her. I had never really dealt with bullying before, but there were days that I would get so upset & not know what to do because of how she was treating me. All I wanted was for her to like me...

I was so focused on being accepted by Amber that I let it keep me from joining the band. That's where all the "geeks" were & I couldn't risk being seen as a geek. I let one person decide what I would do, who I hung out with, what clothes I wore (which by the way, were never the name brands everyone else was wearing...)

6th grade came & went, and I wasn't any more popular than I was when the year started. The summer between 6th & 7th grade would be one that would completely change my life. In that summer alone, I lost my grandpa, 2 of my uncles, a great aunt, a really close family friend...it seemed like every 2-3 wks I was going to the funeral home. I wasn't the music freak I am now back then, but it's part of the reason I cherish every moment I have here on earth. I know first hand how quickly life can be over...

7th grade is when I "fell in love" with my first musician...Ryan...he played sax in the school band and I thought that was the coolest thing ever. By this time I had given up trying to be friends with Amber. I had my own group of friends that I was completely happy with. All my friends knew I had this HUGE crush on Ryan & told me to ask him out. That went against EVERYTHING I believed in. See...when it comes to dating, I'm really old fashion. I think the guy should ask the girl out, be the first to call, pay for a date (but that doesn't mean you shouldn't offer to fork over for your half ladies!), all in all, be a gentleman. I took my friends' advice though...i mean, we kinda ran in the same circle, I knew he knew that I liked him and was sure that he liked me...so in the 4th grade manner, I wrote him a note and asked if he wanted to "go out" (aka, be my boyfriend). In the 7th grade, at the school I went to, that meant that you sat together at lunch, talked on the phone at night, and might go to a football game together...

To my surprise, he said yes. I was on Cloud 9. I mean, this guy I had been crushing on for ages wanted to "date" me!! Imagine my surprise when one of my friends came in the next morning & said that he wanted to break up with me. Me, being the person I am, wanted answers. I mean, we hand been "together" for less than 24 hrs! What was the deal?! I was beyond ticked when a girl, who I didn't really like, stood there and said (with me standing there!) "not your type?" and he said "pretty much"...TO MY FACE! Needless to say, we didn't talk much after that, and don't talk much to this day.

I promise, this is a music related story, but to understand it you have to have a lot of the background...it's kinda pointless, but wouldn't make sense without it...

So, Amber kept me from band & the first guy I ever dated completely dissed me & broke my heart...what was a girl to do?

I turned to writing. It was the only way I could get my emotions out and deal with them in a constructive way. It wasn't ever anything extremely profound, usually just how much I thought my life sucked & how there was no possible way that it could get any worse. I started keeping a journal & even tried my hand at a bit of poetry....

That was only the beginning...

The summer between 7th & 8th grade we moved to a town about 30 minutes from where we had been living. It was closer to my grandparents, but a complete change for me. I was going to an all new school, with all new people. I was nervous, but also excited. This would give me a chance to totally reinvent myself. Maybe now I could finally have that popularity I always dreamed of.

Believe it or not, I kinda got it. When the first day of school came around people were asking me if I knew anyone that went to the middle school. The only people I knew were 2 girls that I went to church with. Apparently by knowing them, it made me cool to the majority of the student body. I loved the feeling that gave me. I did everything I could to make sure I continued to have lunch with the "right" people & didn't do anything stupid. I even went so far as to avoid or completely ignore anyone/anything I thought would "ruin" the image I was trying to create for myself.

I wish I had known then that I was ignoring the people that would be there for me when it mattered the most...

ok...well there's like A TON of laundry I need to finish before my mom gets home from Memphis..hopefully I'll get to finish this in the next few days...who knows, school is keeping me pretty busy.

♥ Jen